I REMEMBER

I remember the sky, and the sun burning like a golden penny flicked into a deep blue pool, and the scuttling white clouds that changed in to magic ships and whales and turreted castles as they drift across the bottomless sea of my mind’s eye. I remember the winds that skimmed the clouds, smoothing and rippling them into serene grandeur or boiling them into froth. I remember the same wind dipping low to caress the grass, making it sway and tremble, or whipping through the branches of trees and making them sing with a wild, keening organ note. I remember the silence that was like a brazen shout echoing among the hills.
–It is raining. The sky is slate-gray and greatly churning. It looks like a soggy dishrag being squeezed dry, and the moisture is dirty water that falls in pounding sheets, pressing down the tall grass. The drops pock the ground, and the loosely-packed soil is slowly turning into mud, with the rain spattering it, making it shimmer.
And I remember the trains. I remember lying in bed as a child, swathed in warm blankets, sniffing suspiciously and eagerly at the embryonic darkness of my room and listening to the big trains wail and murmur in the freight yard beyond. I remember lying awake night after night, frightened and darkly fascinated, keeping very still so that the darkness wouldn’t see me, and listening to the hollow booms and metallic moans as the trains coupled and linked below my window. I remember that I thought that the trains were alive, big dark beasts who came to dance and to hunt each other through the dappled moonlight of the world outside my room, and when I would listen to the whispering clatter of their passing and feel the room quiver ever so slightly in response, I would get a crawly feeling in my chest and a prickling along the back of my neck, and then I would wish that I could watch them dance, although I knew that I never would. And I remember that it was different when I watched the trains during the daytime, for even though I clung to my aunt’s hand and stared wide-eyed at their steam-belching and spark-spitting, they were just big iron beasts putting on a show for me; they weren’t magic then, they were hiding the magic inside them and pretending to be metal monsters and waiting for the darkness. I remember that I knew even then that I couldn’t go to sleep at night until I was soothed by the muttering lullaby of steel and the soft, rhythmical hiss-clatter of a rain booming over a switch. And I remember that some nights the bellowing of a fast freight or the cruel shriek of a train’s whistle would make me tremble and feel cold suddenly, even under my blanket-mountain, and I would find myself thinking about the rain-soaked ground and blood and black cloth and half-understood references to my grandmother going away, and the darkness would suddenly seem to curl in upon itself and become diamond hard and press down upon my eyes, and I would whimper and the fading whistle would snatch the sound from my mouth and trail it away into the night. And I remember that I would pretend that I had tiptoed to the window to watch the trains dance, which I never really dared to do because I knew that I would die if I did, and then I would close my eyes and pretend that I was a train, and in my mind’s eye I would be hanging disembodied in the darkness a few inches above the shining tracks, and then the tracks would begin to slide along under me, slowly at first then fast and smooth like flowing syrup, and then the darkness would be flashing by and then I would be moving out and away, surrounded by the wailing roar and evil chuckling of a fast freight slashing through the night, hearing my whistle scream with the majestic cruelty of a swooping eagle and feeling the switches boom and clatter hollowly under me, and I would fall asleep still moving out and away, away and out.
–The rain is stopping slowly, trailing away from the field, brushing the ground like long, dangling gray fingers. The tall grass creeps erect again, bobbing drunkenly, shedding its burden of water as a dog shakes himself dry after a swim. There are vicious little crosswinds in the wake of the storm, and they make the grass whip even more violently than the departing caress of the rain. The sky is splitting open above, black rain clouds pivoting sharply on a central point, allowing a sudden wide wedge of blue to appear. The overcast churns and tumbles and clots like wet heavy earth turned by a spade. The sky is now a crazy mosaic of mingled blue and gray. The wind picks up, chews at the edge of the tousling vegetation, spinning it to the fineness of cotton candy and then lashing it away. A broad shaft of sunlight falls from the dark undersides of the clouds, thrusting it at the ground and drenching it in a golden cathedral glow, filled with shimmering green highlights. The effect is like that of light through a stained-glass window, and objects bathed in the light seem to glow very faintly from within, seem to be suddenly transformed into dappled molten bronze. There is a gnarled, shaggy tree in the center of a pool of sunlight, which is filled with wet, disgruntled birds, hesitantly, cautiously, beginning to sing again–
And I remember wandering around in the forest as a boy and looking for nothing and finding everything and that clump of woods was magic and those rocks were a rustler’s fort and there were dinosaurs crashing through the brush just out of sight and everyone knew there were dragons swimming in the sea just below the waves and an old glittery piece of Coke bottle was a magic jewel that could let you fly or make you invisible and everybody knew that you whistled twice and crossed your fingers when you walked by the deserted old house or something shuddery and scaly would get you. You argued about bang-you’re-dead-no-I’m-not and you had a keen gun that could endlessly dispatch all the icky monsters who hung out near the swing set in your backyard without ever running out of ammunition. And I remember that as a kid I was nuts about finding a magic cave and I used to think that there was a cave under every rock, and I would get a long stick to use as a lever and I would sweat and strain until I had managed to turn the rock over, and then when I didn’t find any tunnel under the rock I would think that the tunnel was there but it was filled in with dirt, and I would get a shovel and I would dig three or four feet down looking for the tunnel and the magic cave and then I would go home for a dinner of beans and franks and cornbread. And I remember that once I did find a little cave hidden under a big rock and I couldn’t believe it. I was shocked and angry and I didn’t want it to be there but it was, so I stuck my head inside it to look around because something wouldn’t leave until I did and it was dark in there and hot and very still and the darkness seemed to be blinking at me and I thought I heard something rustling and moving and I got scared and started to cry. I ran away and then I got a big stick and came back, still crying, and pushed and heaved at that rock until it thudded back over the cave and hid it forever. And I remember that the next day I went out again to hunt for a magic cave.
—The rain has stopped. A bird flaps away from the tree and then settles back down on an outside branch. The branch dips and sways with the bird’s weight, its leaves heavy with rain. The tree steams in the sun, and a million raindrops become tiny jewels, microscopic prisms, gleaming and winking, loving and transfiguring the light even as it destroys them and they dissolve into invisible vapor puffs to be swirled into the air and absorbed by the waiting clouds above. The air is wet and clean and fresh; it seems to squeak as the tall grass saws through it and the wind runs its fingernails lightly along its surface. The day is squally and gusty after the storm, high shining overcast split by ragged ribbons of blue that look like several fjords. The bird preens and fluffs its feather disgustedly, chattering and scolding at the rain, but keeping a tiny bright eye carefully cocked in case the storm should take offense at the light stream of insults and come roaring back. Between the tufts of grass the ground has turned to black mud, soggy as a sponge, puddled by tiny pools of steaming rainwater. There is an arm and leg lying in the mud, close enough to make out the texture of the tattered fabric clothing the arm, so close that the upper arm fades up and past the viewpoint and into a huge blur in the extreme corner of the field of view. The arm is bent back at an unnatural angle and the stiff fingers are hooked into talons that seem to claw toward the gray sky–
And I remember a day in the sixth grade when we were struggling in the cloakroom with our coats and I couldn’t get mine off because the cloth was caught in the zipper and Denny was talking about how his father was a jet pilot and he sure hoped the war wasn’t over before he grew up because he wanted to kill some of those ass-holes like his father was doing and then later in the boy’s room everyone was arguing about who had the biggest one and showing them and Denny could piss further than anybody else. I remember that noon we were playing kick the can. The can rolled down the side of the hill and we all went down after it and somebody said hey look and we found a place inside a bunch of bushes where the grass was all flattened down and broken and there were pages of a magazine scattered all over and Denny picked one up and spread it out and it was a picture of a girl with only a pair of pants on and everyone got real quiet. I could hear the girls chanting in the schoolyard as they jumped rope and kids yelling. Everybody was scared and her eyes seemed to be looking back right out of the picture and somebody finally licked his lips and said what’re those things stickin’ outta her, ah, and he didn’t know the word and one of the bigger kids said tits and he said yeah what are those things stickin’ outta her tits and I couldn’t say anything because I was so surprised to find out that girls had those little brown things like we did except hers were pointy and hard and made me tremble and Denny said hell I know about that I’ve had hundreds of girls but he was licking nervously at his lips as he said it and he was breathing funny too. And I remember that afternoon I was sitting at my desk near the window and the sun was hot and I was bathed in the rolling drone of our math class and I wasn’t understanding any of it and listening less. I remember that I knew I had to go to the bathroom and I didn’t want to raise my hand because our math teacher was a girl with brown hair and eyeglasses and I was staring at the place where I knew her pointy things must be under her blouse and I was thinking about touching them to see what they felt like and that made me feel funny somehow and I thought that if I raised my hand she would be able to see into my head and she’d know and she’d tell everybody what I was thinking and then she’d get mad and punish me for thinking bad things, so I didn’t say anything but I had to go real bad and if I looked close I thought I could see two extra little bulges in her blouse where her pointy things were pushing against the cloth and I started thinking about what it would feel like if she pushed them up against me and that made me feel even more funny and sort of hollow and sick inside and I couldn’t wait any longer and I raised my hand and left the room but it was too late and I wet myself while I was still on the way to the boy’s room. I didn’t know what to do so I went back to the classroom with my pants all wet and smelly and the math teacher looked at me and said what did you do and I was scared and Denny yelled he pissed in his pants and the math teacher got very mad and everybody was laughing and suddenly the kids in my class didn’t have any faces only laughing mouths and I wanted to curl up into a bal l where nobody could get me. Once I had seen my grandfather digging with a garden spade turning over the dark wet earth. There was half a worm mixed in with the dirt and it writhed and squirmed until the next shovelful covered it up.
–Most of the rain has boiled away, leaving only a few of the larger puddles that have gathered in the shallow depressions between grass clumps. The mud is slowly solidifying under the hot sun, hardening into ruts, miniature ridges, mountains and valleys. An ant appears at the edge of the field of vision, emerging warily from the roots of the tall grass, pushing its way free of the tangled jungle. The blades of grass tower over it, forming a tightly woven web and filtering the hot yellow sunlight into a dusky green half-light. The ant pauses at the edge of the muddy open space, reluctant to exchange the cool tunnel of the grass for the dangers of level ground. Slowly, the ant picks its way across the sticky mud, skirting a pebble half again as big as it is. It is streaked with veins of darker rock and has a tiny flake of quartz embedded in it near the top. The elements have rounded it into a smooth oval, except for a dent on the far side that exposes its porous core. The ant finishes its cautious circumnavigation of the pebble and meanders slowly toward the arm, slipping on the slick, mud-spattered fabric. The ant works its way down the arm to the wrist and stops, sampling the air. It stands among the bristly black hairs, antennae vibrating. The big blue vein in the wrist can be seen under its tiny feet. The ant continues to walk down the wrist, pushing its way through the stiff hair, climbing onto the hand and walking purposely through the hollow of the thumb. Slowly, it disappears around the knuckle of the first finger–
And I remember a day when I was in the first year of high school and my voice was changing and I was starting to grow hair in unusual places and I was sitting in English class and I wasn’t paying too much attention even though I’m usually pretty good in English because I was in love with the girl in front of me. I remember that she had long legs and soft brown hair and a laugh like a bell. The sun was coming in the window behind her and the sunlight made the downy hair on the back of her neck glow very faintly. I wanted to touch it with my fingertips and I wanted to undo the knot that held her hair to the top of her head and I wanted her hair to cascade down over my face soft against my skin and cover me. With the sunlight I could see the strap of her bra underneath her thin dress and I wanted to slide my fingers underneath it and unhook it and stroke her velvety skin. I remember that I could feel my body stirring and my mouth was dry and painful and the zipper of her dress was open a bit at the top and I could see the tanned texture of her skin and see she had a brown mole on her shoulder and my hand trembled with the urge to touch it (and the teacher said something about Shakespeare) and when she turned her head to whisper to Denny across the row her eyes were deep and beautiful and I wanted to kiss them softly, brush them lightly as a bird’s wing (and Hamlet was something or other). I caught a glimpse of her tongue darting wetly from between her lips and pressing against her white teeth and that was almost too much to bear and I wanted to kiss her lips softly and then I wanted to crush them flat and then I wanted to bite them and sting them until she cried and I could comfort and soothe her and that frightened me because I didn’t understand it. My thighs were tight and prickly and the blood pounded at the base of my throat (and Elsinore something). The bang rang shrilly and I couldn’t get up because all I could see was the fabric of her dress taut over her hips as she stood up and I stared at her hips and her belly and her thighs as she walked away and wondered what her thing would look like and I was scared. I remember that I finally got up enough nerve to ask her for a date during lunch period and she looked at me incredulously for a second and then laughed, just laughed contemptuously and walked away without saying a word. I remember her laughter. And I remember wandering around town that night heading aimlessly into nowhere trying to escape from the pressure and the emptiness and passing a car parked on a dark street corner just as the moon swung out from behind a cloud. There was a light that danced and I could hear the freight trains booming faraway and she was in the backseat with Denny and they were locked together and her skirt was hiked up. I could see the white flash of flesh all the way up her leg and he had his hand under her blouse on her breast and I could see his knuckles moving under the fabric and the freight train roared and clattered as it hit the switch. He was kissing her and biting her and she was kissing him back with her lips pressed tight against his lips and her hair floating all around them like a cloud and the train was whispering away from town and then he was on top of her pressing her down and I felt like I was going to be sick. I started to vomit but stopped because I was afraid of the noise. She was moaning and making small low whimpering noises I’d never heard anyone make before and I had to run before the darkness crushed me and I didn’t want to vomit when I got home because I’d feel ashamed and disgusted afterward but I knew that I was going to have to because my stomach was heaving and my skin was on fire and I thought that my heart was going to explode. And I remember that I eventually got a date for the dance with Judy from my history class who was a nice girl although plain. But all night long as I danced with her I could only see my first love moaning and writhing under Denny just as the worm had writhed under the thrust of the garden spade into the dark earth long ago and as I ran toward home that night I heard the train vanish into the night trailing a cruelly arrogant whistle behind until it faded to a memory and there was nothing left.
–The ant reappears on the underside of the index finger, pauses, antennae flickering inquisitively, and then begins to walk down the palm following the deep groove known as the life line until it reaches the wrist. For a moment, it appears as if the ant will vanish into the space between the wrist and the frayed, bloodstained cuff of the shirt, but it changes its mind and slides back down the wrist to the ground on the far side. The ant struggles for a moment in the stiff mud, and then crawls determinedly off across the crusted ground. At the extreme edge of the field of vision, just before the blur that is the upper arm, there is the jagged, pebbly edge of a shell hole. Half over the lip of the hole, grossly out of proportion at this distance, is half of a large earthworm, partially buried by the fresh turned dirt brown thrown up by the explosion. The ant pokes suspiciously at the worm–
And I remember the waiting room at the train station and the weight of my suitcase in my hand and the way the big iron voice rolled unintelligibly around the high ceiling as the stationmaster announced the incoming trains. Cigar and cigarette smoke was thick in the air and the massive exhaust fan was laboring in vain to clear some of the choking fog away. The place reeked of urine and age and an old dog twitched and moaned in his ancient sleep as he curled close against an equally ancient radiator that hissed and panted and belched white jets of steam. I stood by the door and looked out along the track to where the shining steel disappeared into the darkness and I suddenly thought it looked like a magic cave and then I wondered if I thought that was supposed to be funny and I wanted to laugh only I wanted to cry too and so I could do neither and instead I tightened my arm around Judy’s waist and pulled her closer against me and kissed the silken hollow of her throat. I could feel the sharp bone in her hip jabbing against mine and I didn’t care because that was pain that was pleasure and I felt the gentle resilience of her breast suddenly against my ribcage and felt her arm tighten protectively around me and her fingernails bite sharply into my arm. I knew that she was trying not to cry and if I said anything at all it would make her start and there would be a sloppy scene we’d been trying to avoid and so I said nothing but only held her and kissed her lightly on the eyes. I knew that people were looking at us and I didn’t give a damn and I knew that she wanted me and wanted me to stay and we both knew that I couldn’t and all around us about ten other young men were going through a similar tableaux with their girlfriends or folks and everybody was stern and pale and worried and trying to look unconcerned and casual and so many women were trying not to cry that the humidity in the station was trembling at the saturation point. I remember Denny standing near the door with a foot propped on his suitcase. He was flashing his too-white teeth and his too-wide smile. He reeked of cheap cologne as he told his small knot of admirers in an overly loud voice that he didn’t give a damn if he went or not because he’d knocked up a broad and her old man was tryin’ to put the screws on him and this was a good way to get outta town anyway and the government would protect him from the old man. He’d come home in a year or so on top of the world and the heat would be off and he could start collectin’ female scalps again. Besides his father had been in and been a hero and he could do anything better than that old bastard and besides he hated those goddamned greasy ass-holes and he was gonna get him one see if he didn’t. I remember that the train came quietly in then and that it still looked like a big iron beast although now it was a silent beast with no smoke or sparks but with magic still hidden inside it although I knew now that it might be dark magic. We had to climb inside then and I was kissing Judy good-bye and telling her I loved her and she was kissing me and telling me she would wait for me and I don’t know if we were telling the truth or even if we knew ourselves what the truth was. Then Judy was crying openly and I was swallowed by the iron beast and we were away from the town and snickering across the web of tracks and booming over the switches and I saw my old house flash by. I could see my old window and I almost imagined that I could see myself as a kid with my nose pressed against the window looking out and watching my older self roar by and neither of us suspecting that the other was there and neither of us ever working up the nerve to watch the trains dance. And I remember that all during the long train ride I could hear Denny’s raucous voice somewhere in the distance talking about how he couldn’t wait to get over there and he’d heard that snatch over there was prime stuff and free too and he was gonna get him one of those goddamned S.O.B.s and as the train slashed across the wide fertile farmlands of the Midwest the last thing I knew before sleep that night was the wet smell of freshly turned earth.
–The ant noses the worm disdainfully and then passes out of the field of vision. The only movement now is the ripple of the tall grass and the flash of birds in the shaggy tree. The sky is clouding up again, thunderheads rumbling up over the horizon and rolling across the sky. Two large forms appear near the shaggy tree at the other extreme of the field of vision. The singing of the birds stops as if turned off by a switch. The two forms move vaguely near the shaggy tree, rustling the grass. The angle of vision gives a foreshortening effect, and it is difficult to make out just what the forms are. There is a sharp command, the human voice sounding strangely thin under the sighing of the wind. The two figures move away from the shaggy tree, pushing through the grass. They are medics; haggard, dirty soldiers with big red crosses painted on their helmets and armbands and several days growth on their chins. They look tired, harried, scared, and determined, and they are moving rapidly, half-crouching, searching for something on the ground and darting frequent glances back over their shoulders. As they approach they seem to grow larger and larger, elongating toward the sky as their movement shifts the perspective. They stop a few feet away and reach down, lifting up a body that has been hidden by the tall grass. It is Denny, the back of his head blown away, his eyes bulging horribly open. The medics lower Denny’s body back into the sheltering grass and bend over it fumbling with something. They finally straighten, glance hurriedly about and move forward. The two grimy figures swell until they fill practically the entire field of vision, only random patches of sky and the ground underfoot visible around their bulk. The medics come to a stop about a foot away. The scarred, battered, mud-baked boot of a medic now dominates the scene, looking big as a mountain. From the combat boot, the medic’s leg seems to stretch incredibly toward the sky, like a fatigue-swathed beanstalk, with just a suggestion of a head and a helmet floating somewhere at the top. The other medic cannot be seen at all now, having stepped over and out of sight. The shallow breathing and occasional obscenities can be heard. The first medic bends over, his huge hand seeming to leap down from the sky, and touches the arm, lifting the wrist and feeling for a pulse. The medic holds the wrist for awhile and then sighs and lets go. The wrist plops limply back into the cold, sucking mud, splattering it. The medic’s hand swells in the direction of the upper arm, and then fades momentarily, although his wrist remains blurrily visible and his arm seems to stretch like a highway into the middle distance. The medic tugs, and his hand comes back clutching a tarnished dog tag. Both of the medic’s hands disappear forward. Hands prying the jaws open, jamming the dog tag into the teeth, the metal cold and slimy against the tongue and gums, pressing the jaws firmly closed again, the dog tag feels huge and immovable inside the mouth. The world is the medic’s face now, looming like a scarred cliff inches away, his bloodshot twitching eyes as huge as moons, his mouth, hanging slackly open with exhaustion, as cavernous and bottomless as a magic cave to a little boy. The medic has halitosis, his breath filled with the richly corrupt smell of freshly turned earth. The medic stretches out two fingers which block out the sky. The medic’s fingertips are the only thing in the world now. They are stained and dirty and one has a white scar across the whorls. The medic’s fingertips touch the eyelids and press them down. And now there is nothing but darkness–
And I remember the way the dawn would crack the eastern sky, the rosy blush slowly spreading and staining the black of night, chasing away the darkness, driving away the stars. And I remember the way a woman looks at you when she loves you, and the sound a kitten makes when it’s happy, and the way that snowflakes blur and melt against a warm windowpane. I remember. I remember.

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